MORE BORCHING ABOUT TV
MORE BORCHING ABOUT TV
I will confess to you that I am a TV junkie. And when I say, “junkie”, I mean that in every sense of the word. The stuff on TV is, in fact, junk.
I grew up on TV. Stop me if I’ve told this one before – I mean I cut my teeth on “I Love Lucy”, “Jack Benny”, “George Burns and Gracie Allen”, “Sergeant Bilco”, “The Life of Riley”, “The Honeymooners”, “I Married Joan”, “September Bride”, “Your Show of Shows”. Later on there were the likes of “The Danny Thomas Show”, “That Girl”, “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”, “M.A.S.H.”, “Bob Newhart”, “All In The Family”, and “Bill Cosby”. Do you get a pattern here? My favorite shows were always comedy. Situation comedy, mostly, but always – comedy. I loved to laugh. Doesn’t everyone?
Well, apparently not. At least, not anymore.
I don’t know what has happened to TV. Somewhere between my thirties and my fifties, either we, as a nation, lost our sense of humor, or the best joke writers died off, or someone changed the rules of comedy on me, or – I just don’t know. Frankly, I’m stumped.
Of course, all of this did not happen overnight. Up until (was it last year?) we had “Frasier” and “Friends”. Admittedly, both of those had gotten a little bit tired by the end of their run, but both of them had at least a few years of being truly witty, fun to watch, and even touching. But it seems to me that there was a cut-off point in 2000. The change seems to parallel the change in Washington. In the ‘90s we had Bill Clinton – liberal, it’s true, but also casual in his manner, brilliant in his speech, human, perhaps all-too-human in his foibles, a combination of the “down-home” Arkansas country boy and the Rhodes scholar. Bill Clinton could laugh at himself, and we could laugh with him. Then we had George Bush. A conservative, it’s true, but also rigid in manner, fumbling in speech, and seemingly unwilling or unable to be comfortable with his own human foibles, a combination of the “good ol’ boy” from Texas and the effete privileged-class mediocre Yalie. He’s just not funny. (I’m sorry – Is my political slip showing? I try to be “fair and balanced”, but I know I utterly fail).
Well, it seems to me that the political change in climate has produced a change in the entertainment climate. In the last few nights we’ve been flipping the channels, desperately seeking some form of amusement that at least would not annoy us. What have we found? Endless news analysis of the battle in Fallujah. Reruns of “Fresh Prince of Bel-air”. People pricing their antiques. Morbidly obese men and women trying to lose weight. Graphic shots of throat surgery – this is served up as light fare. Murders. Cops. More murders. More cops. Scantily clad women singing badly. Hollywood gossip. And a surprising frequency of appearances by Osama Bin Laden, of all people. (Why do we keep giving this man press?!)
What this country needs is a good, healthy, belly laugh. As a matter of fact, we need lots of them to make up for the laughs we haven’t been getting in the past four years. And I don’t mean the kind of laughs that can only be had at someone else’s expense (the kind that are created by shows about “Bloopers” and video clips of people getting kicked in the butt). I mean the kind of laughs that remind us all how truly human we are. The kind of laughs that remind us that, to paraphrase Rick in Casablanca, the troubles of a few hundred million little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this world.
If the current crop of TV shows is “reality”, then give me delusional fantasy any day. Better yet, give me a good book. The trouble is – I’m a TV junkie, so I’ll probably keep watching and hoping that one day it will be the “good old days” again.
Does anyone know if there is a 12-step group for TV addicts out there anywhere?
© 2004, Robin Munson
INTERVIEW WITH AN AGING STARLET – THE SUBTEXT
INTERVIEWER, DALLAS ALICE, AGE 23: (WHAT YOU HEAR):
Today we will be interviewing Janet Starletta, a legend of stage, screen and television.
(TRANSLATION): Aren’t you curious about how much Janet Starletta has aged in the past ten years? We’re going to find out just how wrinkled and pitiful she is!
DALLAS ALICE: (WHAT YOU HEAR):
Welcome, Ms. Starletta. It’s wonderful to see you. I believe the last time we met was at the premiere of your last movie, “Lust In The Afternoon”. We’re honored that you’ve agreed to an interview with us, since I know that you’re rather reticent about such things.
(TRANSLATION): Finally we’re gonna get a look at how the mighty have fallen. You’ve been holed up in your house in the Hollywood Hills for the past ten years. Rumor has it you’ve gone berserk. I guess you must have really needed the money since you deigned to sit with a lowly reporter after all this time!
JANET STARLETTA (WHAT YOU HEAR):
Thank you, Alice. It’s a pleasure to be here. But, gee, I would’ve thought that “Lust in the Afternoon” was a little before your time.
(TRANSLATION): I’d rather be having root canal than sitting here with a vapid little twerp like you.
DALLAS: (WHAT YOU HEAR):
Well, “Lust in the Afternoon” was my mom’s favorite movie. She must have rented it twenty times! I remember watching it with her one afternoon when I had the mumps when I was in second grade.
(TRANSLATION): You are ancient and I am young and beautiful.
DALLAS (WHAT YOU HEAR): Let’s show a clip from “Lust” so that some of our viewers who may not have seen the movie can understand why you’re such a legend.
(TRANSLATION): You’re no longer on the radar screen, so we’ll have to bring the general viewing public up to speed.
(CLIP. WE SEE MS. STARLETTA DRESSED IN A BLACK LACE TEDDY, FISHNET STOCKINGS AND STILLETO HEELS. SHE IS ABOUT THIRTY POUNDS LIGHTER THAN SHE NOW APPEARS AND HER FACE IS FLAWLESS. AFTER ABOUT 10 SECONDS OF DIALOG, THE CAMERA FREEZES ON HER YOUNG, FABULOUS FACE, AND IT STAYS UP THERE WHILE THE INTERVIEW CONTINUES).
DALLAS: Well, you certainly were a beauty!
TRANSLATION: You were so much younger then! What happened?!
JANET STARLETTA: Thank you, Alice. Well, time marches on. (nervous giggle)
TRANSLATION: I’m dying here! Please stop torturing me!
DALLAS: I guess the question on all our viewers’ minds is – What’s next for Janet Starletta?
TRANSLATION: Any life-threatening diseases yet?
STARLETTA: Well, I’ve been donating my time to A.L.F. – the Animal Liberation Front. I believe that it’s time we spoke up for the most helpless among us, and. . .
DALLAS: How wonderful! Well, we’re just about out of time. Thank you, Ms. Starletta, for allowing us a glimpse into your busy life.
TRANSLATION: Okay, that’s it. You’re out of time, and I’m out of patience. But hey – it’s always a kick to pry into the pathetic lives of ex-starlets.
STARLETTA: It’s my pleasure, Alice.
TRANSLATION: Drop dead.
© 2004 Robin Munson
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